Sunday, March 7, 2010

From the Guy

Keep it weird: a man's perspective

Hello Etsy, it's me, the one with the penis and the testicles. While it is true that I do have nipples, my girlfriend is the one who has the tits. I am male.

Now, I have conveniently pointed out, to the council, that I was left out of the fun fuckery that they had with that Storque article. I'd like to point out, as it pertains to all the women's accessories in the article: I'm male, I'm not a fucking cross-dresser. I'm 30, blonde hair, blue eyes. I work as a graphic designer. I wear a lot of blue jeans and dress shirts. I don't wear ties. The last time I wore one was for a funeral. Every time you write an article and you include some fucking run-of-the-mill silk-screened tie as the "guy" item - I fail to be impressed. In fact, I'm un-impressed. That's crap. Guys aren't just ties.

I'm not much into t-shirts either. In fact, my girlfriend is the one who wears the t-shirts in the relationship. Given my age, her age corresponds. And yes, she's a "throwback" to grunge. She has an entire wardrobe of black concert t-shirts and army green cargo pants. She also has an etsy shop. She's an illustrator, and I believe that's as much as I am allowed to say. Needless to say, she's not a connoisseur of silk-screened t-shirts. Although, we were up one weekend at three in the morning, and she was completely entranced by the Yudo commercial. Although, after realizing that it was just a screen printer, she did not buy one.

Other than t-shirts and ties, is there really anything that you feature that panders to guys? Fuck, after typing that I feel like I should be in a Seuss book. Was there a wallet somewhere? Or perhaps a belt?

Maybe I just don't understand? Am I supposed to go out and pierce my ears so I can get some of those wire-wrapped earrings that I see on the front page every day? Or maybe those dresses that look like they were designed in the fifties? I'm trying to imagine my girlfriend wearing one of those, and it's not working. That's not her style. She's a feminist. Too bad you can't pander to her. Because the fifties-style dresses sure aren't doing shit for me. But then, neither are the ladies cloth shoes. I guess one of my comments did make it into the last entry.

So, anyway, why am I rambling?
Oh, because I want the 10 minutes of my life back that I wasted reading this Storque article:

First off, no, it did not take me 10 minutes to read the "article". I would have to be severely retarded to have spent that long reading ONE paragraph. No, what took up 10 minutes of my time was reading the slew of comments regarding the purported "article". Let's "keep it real" — that was a PARAGRAPH not an article.

The only reason I read the comments was because my etsian girlfriend read some inane thread on the forums about some comment about "sexual deviance" and realized that it probably had something to do with the NSFW picture she saw scrolling across the bottom of the screen. She tried to read the thread at work, but, as it turns out, the place that she works at has filters on the computers and she got the big "this page contains banned content" message.

Anyway, she read the thread. OK, so she read like the first page. The rest of the council read the thread. And the general consensus (which was more towards the article than anything in the thread) was that clearly the entire thing was my fault. Fuck. Yeah, I took that with incredulity. Of course, we are a sarcastic bunch. So, this "my fault" thing was meant with snark.

The culprit? Fetishistic Assless Chaps. Oh, don't pretend you didn't read that one. I know you did. And that little gem? Oh, that was all me.

Personally, I blame westerns and Shawn Michaels. Google it, separately.

Anyway, the jaded one said something along the lines of "this is etsy, not the fetishistic assless chaps pantatorium." Now, we all laughed when that line was conceived. Mostly, because that's our sense of humor, collectively. We've all seen the hipster crap on the front page and all this girly shit, and the enviro-fuck crap... it's a very narrow demographic. Simply by virtue of the fact that I have a penis: 99% of what appears on the front page does not appeal to me as a consumer.

So, when suddenly there appears an article with a quasi-NSFW picture on the front page, well, apparently, it's my fault.

So, here's the fun thing: the picture is fetishistic. It's a fucking bondage dress. I'm not evangelical, but I also don't have any weird sexual hang-ups that fill me with any desire to see my girlfriend wearing bondage gear. So, oddly enough, as a guy who regularly watches "pro wrestling" (with his etsian girlfriend) this does not appeal to me (or my etsian girlfriend). Personally, I'm just not into it. But it is bondage gear, and the photo with the fencing props on the model? Well, that makes it fetishistic.

So, congratulation, etsy hipster retards: you put fetishistic bondage gear scrolling across the bottom of you front page to "keep it weird."

It's actually just fucking stupid.

Moreover, it's childish and thoughtless. No, not the fucking lame bondage dress. I really don't give a fuck about it. That shit is for people with sexual hang-ups. It's not for me or my girlfriend. What is childish and stupid is the paragraph that is supposed to tie together this collection of objects.

If Michelle spends her weekend watching the brain-eater on MSNBC, then this should be a collection of shivs, Manson portraits, bullet riddled car doors, an actual fucking mask, and probably something involving a gun or blood... oh, and the fucking brain-eater.

Hold on, let me spend 10 minutes using your site's crippled search feature:
rusty brain
brain eater
sticky paws
painted mannequin head
great pear theft
clockwork heartnut
bandit milk cup
gwendoline red x-ray...
leather kitty hat
little wooden inmate
handcuff necklace

What I really want to say, as a guy, is that this Paragraph is half-cocked. It's like a half erect penis. Because most of this shit is cutesy, girly crap. And the rest of it is just borderline offensive or tasteless. None of it is arty. I've seen pornographic art, and I spend time every week watching what used to be an "outlaw sport". This collection isn't edgy, and it isn't weird. It's just kind of sad. So, ladies, don't waste your time bickering over Michelle's half-cocked attempt to be provocative.

The bondage pic was completely inappropriate for the overall look of your site. I say this as the person who brought to the blogs-bitching-about-the-half-assed, sad, childish-behaviour-of-the-etsy-staff lexicon: fetishistic assless chaps. I also say this as a full time graphic designer.

Your target demographic evidently is not me (or men in general). Do your research first. If you think you have the chops to be provocative, then really, go all out and make a real collection of the fetishistic. Otherwise, have the tact to know when to edit. You're not Regretsy. Regretsy would actually have the balls to show you balls in an environment where that is appropriate.

I enjoy my "guy stuff", the crass, the low, the weird. But this? This isn't it. This was just fucking stupid, and stupid in a very girly way. Go find a guy, an actual guy, not some hipster douche, and he'll explain why this article is fucking retarded, especially if he's supposed to want to buy any of this crap. What on earth would I do with a "bandit skunk" plush thing?

Leave the fetishistic assless chaps to the folks at the pantatorium, where nudity is a precursor and the staff aren't a bunch of petulant wannabe hipster douches with contempt for their clientele.

Given your demographic and the childish nature of your staff: bondage does not belong on the front page. You are indeed not the fetishistic assless chaps pantatorium, you're etsy. Show me some better shit with a more coherent context. This was just fucking lame.