Thursday, February 25, 2010

Oh, shit, that's right, I have a life

Funny thing is that I have a life, and a firm belief in lone-wolf style blogging. Otherwise, the co-conspirators would have been more than happy to have done the work for that week I was taking a real life vacation from my full time job.

Oh, fuck! I have a full time job, which means I have health insurance and paid vacation and sick days. Fucking A, my priorities must be all fucked up... you know, because I went on vacation.

Now, amusingly, there is a perfectly good list of front page repeats from last week or the week before — fuck, having a full time job that provides you with a paid vacation is FUCKING AWESOME! Yeah, anyway, somewhere in my email there's a list, but I'm going to skip it for the time being. Because, well, shit, I just got off vacation and my lazy ass doesn't feel like spending 20 minutes copying and pasting.

So, instead, I'm apparently just going to insult people, because really, that's what I feel like doing.

You see, when you keep showing me the same tired old shit by the same people, and I look, and I sneer, and perhaps roll my eyes, and think about what a narrow-minded insular group of jackass fucktards the etsy admins are, well, here's the thing: I've seen the fucking product.

So, it's focus group time:
It's either a painted rock or it's a pre-made ceramic item with a decal cooked onto it.
What the fuck? Seriously, etsy staff? Did you guys totally suck in whatever entry-level ceramics course you took way back when at summer art camp or what? Because, yes, I've seen the shebboDesigns ceramics on the front page repeatedly, and after a brief consultation with the council this is what the focus group has to say:
"I should hand wash this mug? Really, why, because if I throw it in the dishwasher then I will discover that the decal was either applied at such a low heat that it will flake off, or is of such low quality that it will literally fade from the bleach that comes standard in almost all non-douchebag-idiot-fuck-environmentalist ordinary old fucking cascade or electrosol or whatever the hell generic store brand dishwashing powder that normal people who don't spend $7.99 for the smallest amount of ounces of 7th generation throw in their dishwasher, you know, because they have jobs and better shit to do in this era of technology than to sit there and fucking handwash dishes.

What we're really saying is that what shebbodesigns is selling, if it isn't a painted rock, looks like mass-produced pre-glazed ceramic elements that were probably made in China, which have a decal or china paint baked onto them on a lowfire kiln setting. Because, you know, when you can buy the mugs already bisqued with a coat of glaze, then you don't refire them on a high-fire setting.

Really? There aren't like any ceramics artists on etsy? It's very important that my listing and selling fees pay your salaries so you can spend your time promoting decals that have been cooked onto mass produced mugs? Holy fuck, take a ceramics course.

Oh, and my other option is a painted rock. If I wanted a painted rock, logistically, wouldn't I find a brownie fundraiser or a church bazaar? What the fuck am I going to do with a painted rock? You know, I mean if I was bat-shit insane and lived like a fucking hoarder, then absolutely, by all means bring on the painted rocks! Or, you know, if I fucking had children, well, my children could paint me some motherfucking rocks. But really, you want to help someone sell me a fucking painted rock? Holy shit.

The next thing we'd like to offer you some focus group advice on is this Storque article
We're a varied bunch, but we all read this and collectively groaned.
First of all, what's the age cap? Do you realize, that unless you have a reputation for being that annoying fucking bat-shit insane vegan asshole who thumbs their nose at the rest of their co-workers (oh, fuck, we here all have jobs, we keep forgetting that our real world perspectives get in the way of all this fantasy-envirofuck fun) — there is no way in hell you could conceivably get away with wearing this shit anywhere?

For shits and giggles we all took turns.

birthday romper: am I 22 going on 55? Because this makes my tits look like they're in my fucking lap. I guess if I buttoned the jacket I could try to hide this monstrosity. But on what casual friday holiday could I stroll into the office with this get-up? Is it dress like a 1990's catalog hipster day? Because, I mean, really: cleavage with a romper with a jacket with black leggings with saddle shoes? Where the fuck do I work at? An ironic hipster factory? If I have to wear this to show that I'm green, well, then, fuck it. Someone get me some styrofoam boxes for the ozone layer.

Hoodie Wrap: It displays both the horror of being a hoodie, and the idiocy of being a wrap. Oh, and the sleeves are apparently 5 times too long. So, you know, I could wear this to the office and look like I was fashionably inept because the design is for some 20-something that doesn't fucking work at an office. If I strolled in wearing this, I would probably be pulled into the supervisor's office for an inquiry as to whether or not I was ill... Also, what if I'm fat? Seriously, wrap-anything looks terrible on fat people, let alone a wrap hoodie with asymmetrical placement of pocket.

strapless flannel dress:
Because nothing says "going green" like fabrics that contrast ridiculously with one another. Really flannel + strapless = WTF. Is this for when I miss winter in the middle of summer? Or because I have an ironic hipster dance to attend? Where do I wear this? And why does no one who sells clothing seem to own an iron? I can already hear my mother groaning.

supayana grey reconstructed top: First off, one of us actually works at a grocery store, and cannot imagine what the fuck the co-workers would be thinking if that person walked into work wearing a reconstructed top wherein an excess sleeve was used as a collar. The general feeling is that you would be sent home for inappropriate wardrobe. Do I have to be so impractical as an environmentalist that I have to wear clothing that would make ordinary people question my sanity? Do I recycle: sure. Do I occasionally buy things at Goodwill: sure. Is a shirt sleeve acceptable when used as a collar: no. Is the ribbed empire waist and the asymmetrical placement of pocket supped to add something to this monstrosity?

Alice's Dream: At first, like an idiot I said "lingerie?" But then I read that this was a "dress". Am I fucking Lady Gaga? To what occasion do I wear this "dress" in public? Yes, hello Grandma! Happy 77th Birthday! Awesomesauce! Thank God! I comes with a slip sewn in, you know, because really my guy friends should politely use their imaginations and creatively ponder my pubic grooming habits!

Wool SeaWeed Neck Garland Scarf Yellow:
This one was in the article just so that we could laugh at the title right? Again, if I wore this to work there would be inquiries about my sanity. The only suitable occasion we could invent for such a garment of such lengthy description (c'mon, it's both a GARLAND and a SCARF!!!): hoighty-toighty church. Because while I am an atheist, I am told that if I wore this to normal church, people would be looking at me funny. Or, I guess since it pulls apart, if I were to ever lose my "honor cord" from avant garde fashion school. This would be excellent for a back-up.

Organic Vegan Weekender:
The Savant says "osh-kosh-pagosh," and "I was so ten years too old for Osh Kosh Pagosh way back when it was in fashion, what's with all these shitty eighties color combinations? Is it because all the hipster doofuses of my generation already bought out all the good seventies crap that we have to move on to what is currently available?" Do I have to be kooky to be "green"?

sweet hat: I have long hair. Really long hair. I don't wear hats like this. I'm also not a flapper. And none of us can name a "flapper church" that we could wear this too. Other than a costume party, none of us could think of a single place to pragmatically wear such an article of clothing without presenting as some sort of hipster fucktard.

Herrinbone Harris No More:
1989 called, it wants it's bow fetish back. Seriously, herringbone and hot pink? I'm not sure even hoighty-toighty church would accept this one.

Gina Michelle Jigsaw Falling into Place: I'm being told that "my mother's McCall's patterns from the seventies called... you know, the ones you bought at my garage sale for 25¢ a pop. Anyway, they want their — holy shit this listing comes with a poem! — decade back." Again flannel? And no less "silk and flannel" — to what occasion do I wear this attire? Surely not the office, unless I want to get called in for the sanity check, again, or violating the "it must have sleeves" dress code.

Pretty Birdies Military Jacket: Only if I'm 22 and I don't know any better. Look, I recycle, but I'm too old for this crap, and this is looks like something I would be wearing to the ironic hipster fucktard equestrian something or other where there are no real horses but we talk about how terrible it is when they turn them into glue.

Eco-chic Ballet Flats in Purple: I'm not into cloth shoes, particularly the kind made out of canvas. Go kill me a cow and get me some fucking suede.

East Earrings in Bamboo:
okay, these are kind of cool, but I'm guessing I'm going to get one of those anonymous emails later about my patchouli perfume / deodorant.

As it turns out, the only thing in this article that was neither snarked or resulted in "meh" was the alice in wonderland necklace. Of course, then we clicked on it and saw that it was from Singapore. Eh, whatever. My lazy ass isn't forking that over for shipping.

It's funny, because with 1 or 2 exceptions, most of us recycle, and many of us are female, and under the age of 35. But none of this shit in this article appealed to any of us. We could all see who it was meant to appeal to, but in that we recognized that familiar stereotype, well, we all know what we think of that stereotype, and it's all negative.

We don't hate the earth, it's just that the vast majority of this shit is either crazy or completely impractical. And all of it is not our demographic.

We're tired of seeing hipster shit. Apparently we're ten years older than the rest of you and not enamored with your cause de jour, or your demographically stunted impractical items of your cause de jour. I'm an adult, an annoyingly responsible one with a job, friends, and a social life. And none of this shit works for me. And yet I recycle and craft and garden; like a normal person with a full time job.