Friday, March 19, 2010

Most awesome forum thread ever!

You read the title.

Sick of Etsy!

The first post is spot on, it's both hilarious, excellent, and a reflection of the sad truth.
Of course, the first thing that was posted were comments by forum assholes about how the OP needs "drugs".
I guess that pretty much sums up the current etsy experience, if you're high you won't notice the lack of sales or traffic to your shop.

This was equally awesome:
Etsy Don't know the difference between Handmade and Mass Produced??

Also, how about answering this fucking question:
Etsy admin can you clarify something please?
just fucking answer it.

And, BTW, we'd love to see the questions posed by The Savant answered.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

From the Desk of The Savant

From the desk of The Savant

Preamble: if you are ever out with your snotty college educated buddies drinking in a bar, do not ever tell them the story about that time you ran statistical algorithms from data that you derived from the phonebook....


Dear etsy,

Please explain why there are so many items on your site and so few of them seem to make it to the front page.

Please explain why there are so many items on your site and the same items keep appearing on the front page treasury.

Please explain why it is that when your own site users complain about this, completely and fully defining what they are complaining about (e.g. what constitutes a “repeat”, how often is too often, what moderation really means), that you continue to exhibit the behavior they are complaining about.

Please explain how your staff continuing to place the same items by the same sellers on the front page treasury in spite of the collective outcry against the practice by your site users is not an expression of contempt by your staff towards your users.

Please explain why the same treasury curator’s treasuries keep making it to the front page in spite of the fact that at any given time those treasuries by those same curators are literally less than 10% of the treasuries available for use at any given time.

Please explain why your staff cannot choose a broader range of different curators when placing member made treasuries in the front page treasury slot.

Please explain why the same items appear in multiple storque articles simultaneously.

Please explain why your staff cannot seem to broaden their horizons and feature and write about a range of items that they have no personal connection to. In other words, why can’t your staff write a Storque article without personal references or involving items that they personally like. For instance, I used to work in a deli, and while I may not be that fond of Amish potato salad, that never impeded my ability to sell it to customers. Why is it that your staff cannot express this sort of professional behavior?

Please explain how hard it is to be presented with a topic and simply write a few paragraphs about it in a concise and factual manner, and then choose saleable items that are directly relevant to that topic.

Please explain the lack of coupon codes.

Please explain the inability for shop owners to batch edit the prices of their items.

Please explain why you would redesign something as ubiquitous as the search bar without getting a broad range of opinions about your design choices before implementing them without so much as a bit of notification.

Please explain why the lettering on the new header was so small.

Please explain why in spite of the fact that in the thread started by Rokali regarding the design changes that there were an overwhelming number of complaints about the size of the font of the header and why nothing was done to correct this error within 24 hours.

Please explain to me the merchandising qualifications of your staff.

Please explain why 98% of the items featured on your front page treasury appeal only to a female consumer demographic.

Please explain how excluding mens’ items almost entirely from your merchandizing features is in any way, shape, or form proactive for the benefit of your sellers.

Please explain why everyone can’t have a treasury.

Please explain why it’s so hard to get a treasury.

Please explain why it takes sooooooooooooooo long for the treasury to load.

Please explain to your staff members that if they are going to use their etsy staff user names for their twitter accounts, that it is then completely inappropriate and unprofessional for them to twitter such personal information as whether or not they have “PMS” (specifically DanielleXO).


The Savant, etsy shop user


They call me Vanty (which is apparently supposed to either be cutesy or short for The Savant… apparently “TS” just didn’t drip with awesomesauce). I have a college degree, I graduated magna cum-laude, and with honors. I have a full time job. I also have an etsy shop.

Items from my shop do occasionally appear on the front page treasury. And by “occasionally” I mean once every four months when etsy member’s bitching about the staff’s constant featuring of their own personal favorites reaches it’s fever pitch, the damn breaks, and there seems to be some forced altruism, which usually lasts for like 2 weeks before it’s back to the ugliest shit on the face of planet earth from lirola, toybreaker, absolutely shitty horrible mockery-bad photoshopping hell from maclancy, et al.

And you know what I tend to notice when my items make the front page? That your staff seem to have the inate ability to pick the ugliest fucking thing available for sale in my shop. I’m serious. I want to be happy about making the front page, but really, your staff chose that? Fuck.

And I’m not the only one who has noticed this phenomenon: that when your staff selects items from someone’s shop for one of their front page treasury they tend to pick the most disparate item: the item that is least representational of the overall theme, style, pattern, color, size, or general scheme of whatever it is that you sell.

That’s a horrible strategy: to display to potential customers the one item that most marginally represents your inventory.

Conveniently I have an example that is twofold: your staff pick’s the odd item out and front page repetition.

Twice yesterday I saw this photo on the front page:


And the only place I have ever seen this photo is on the front page. I have run many searches generically in the art category, more specifically in the photography category, and yet the only place I have ever seen this photo is on the front page.

Why is that? Probably because I don’t like dogs. So, I would never specifically type “dogs” into the search bar, let alone Chihuahua.

Now, aside from the fact that the title is in all caps, which is just obnoxious, as someone who simply doesn’t like dogs, this particular item has absolutely no appeal to me. So, seeing something that is actually an enormous turn-off twice in one day really isn’t spurring my ability to pull my credit card out of my pocket…

Which is funny, because I’ve clicked through Lucy Snow’s etsy shop before. And with the exception of that fucking Chihuahua, I actually enjoy most of her photography immensely. Unless she shuts down her shop or floods it with 400 repeats of that Chihuahua photo or cards, then the vast majority of the items in her shop could be classified as nature photography. You know, because the subtitle of her shop (as I type this) is “Urban Art for Nature Lovers”.

So, I went to her shop, which had 80 items at the time, and counted them; subdividing them into generic basic categories: outside, animals, inside / still life, frame.

outside: 56 items | outside = trees, landscapes, sky, landscape + animals

animals: 13 items | animals = animal is primary focus of photo

inside / still life: 9 items | inside / still life = Chihuahua/chair or flowers in a vase

frames: 2 items | self explanatory

Why did I separate the Chihuahua out of animals? Because the Chihuahua is sitting in a chair, all the other animals are outside.

So, 97.5% of the 80 items in stock are either prints or cards.

86.25% of the 80 items in stock are either prints or cards depicting elements of nature that were photographed outside.

Why is there any significance to those numbers? Because they are above 8%. If that raises a question, then I suggest you google a tutorial about statistics.

The reason that those numbers matter is because they are ridiculously high percentages. The vast majority of the items in Ms. Snow’s shop aren’t “like” that Chihuahua picture. The Chihuahua is a domestic animal, photographed as a portrait dressed up in clothes (which is not “natural”) in an indoor setting. Where as the vast majority of the images for sale in the shop are actually objects of nature photographed in the environment they exist in as they exist.

The Chihuahua, statistically, is the aberration. It’s categorically different than most of the inventory in that shop. Categorically, given my general dislike of dogs, I actually enjoy most of the rest of the photography in that shop… but no one on the etsy staff ever spends a second focusing on the items that constitute the majority of Ms. Snow’s catalog of work for sale on etsy. All they ever show me is that fucking Chihuahua.

Now if I hate dogs, or more specifically, I hate Chihuahuas, then I would have utterly no reason to click on the image and see real breadth, depth, or variety, or realistically the actual theme of Ms Snow’s work. And she has some wonderful photos. But I don’t like dogs, and all you ever show me is the one thing I don’t like. Which, in all actuality is not an average representation of the artist’s work.

Having a staff with marketing degrees or professional merchandizing experience would never create this scenario, let alone replicate it repeatedly. It’s completely antithetical. You should show me items from sellers that are not the exception or aberration to the bulk of their inventory, but items that are shining examples of the kind of work they’re actually trying to present.

I imagine Ms. Snow spent some time conceiving her photos, editing her photos, formatting them for printing, listing them, considering what theme / color scheme / style to use for her banner, inventing a subtitle / tagline for her work, etc. And yet, your staff can’t show me what by virtue of the bulk of her inventory, her tagline, and her banner — what she is actually intending to sell me.

You show me the fucking Chihuahua.

Why? Probably because some nitwit on your staff loves dogs or wants to buy a puppy. Because that seems to be the kind of reasoning that goes into the decisions that are made by your staff: they base their decisions on their own personal taste. That’s shallow. That is so shallow.

An actual professional would put the intentions of their sellers before their personal preferences. That is not what is done by your staff. Your staff’s philosophy seems to be staff first, sellers – meh.

That is simply contemptuous and ignorant.

Instead of sitting around the office drinking pretentious coffee and tweeting your favorites while trying to invent “trends”. How about looking at what is actually available for sale on your site, and find a way to make the most people successful at selling what they actually seem to intend to want to sell?

Don’t go to someone’s shop and pick your favorite, actually go to their shop and pick something that seems representational of the vast majority of their inventory.

Your staff needs to act like they’re staff. They need to act like professionals. They are not the average etsy user. They are employees. They are paid on the basis of our listing fees. They ought to be qualified to earn those checks. And they ought to act responsibly and professionally and in the best interests of their sellers.


Now, since I did all the reading and the counting, as I frequently supplied “The List” while some have suggested this is an inappropriate venue… I am too fucking lazy to start a blog and run around the internet randomly commenting on people’s blogs in a vain effort to get them to come to mine.

Since I can’t make a treasury because the feature isn’t amenable to the fact that I have a full time job:

Thursday Treasury

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Etsy blog reader survey / St. Patrick

As I type this...
are on the front page.
The previous front page featured Lirola.

I'm sick of fucking seeing the same shit by the same people. Don't buy from these etsy sellers. Avoid them like the plague and advise your friends to avoid them like the plague.

It's pathetic that etsy continues to take home paychecks made from your listing fees but cannot be bothered to do any work promoting most of you.

Now, onto our scheduled editorial from The Guy
(and, yes, it's a little dated)

I read this and nearly spit my cheerios at the screen:
"... I also want to acknowledge many of the sellers who commented that they want to see more diversity in viewpoints, rather than just those of the Admin. We do have partners and Guest Curators and contributors, but I agree that Etsy needs to do more to open up blogging to more folks in the handmade world. The Etsy marketplace is like a rain forest of tastes and styles and interests: there's more diversity of creativity here than anywhere else on the Internet. There's just no way that our small staff can accurately represent everyone while maintaining that authentic, personal voice. I'm looking forward to a day when we editors aren't bottlenecks (many of you have noticed that the pitch form is closed) or are seen as as gatekeepers who don't have the same Favorites as you. My strategic view is that Admin need to be facilitators in connecting our members, while also being the real people behind There will always be Admin bloggers because of the quote above, but we'd like to develop an efficient system that allows for more content from our members."
So, then, your staff are collectively retarded? If so many of the people who responded to your survey indicated that your staff are completely self centered and narrow-minded, then you really don't need another survey to better serve your community. You need to fire your staff.

I believe I already stated that I am a graphic designer. I have projects, I have clients. If someone hires me to make them a brochure, then it shouldn't look like my personal scrapbook, it should be what they asked for, and I should have discerned their desires by asking the right questions the first time around.

For instance: the "keep it weird" posts are all stupid. Collectively, we here at this blog when discussing those posts refer to them not as "keep it weird" but as "keep it stupid". Why? Because it's all stupid shit, to put it as my girlfriend phrased it.

For instance: "Keep it Weird: St. Snakes"
If this was supposed to be about St. Patrick's day, then why not tell us something about the legend of St. Patrick? As the son of the two people who were the products of Irish immigrants I have to wonder how hard it really is to paraphrase the story? It boggles my mind. That and all the references are to ridiculous cliches.

My girlfriend has no Irish in her family, and yet, like most Americans she simply wears something green on St. Patricks Day. Neither she, nor I, nor my parents ever made green bread. How hard would it be to mention relevant cliches?

Moreover, it's an IRISH holiday, how hard would it be to find something on etsy that was actually from IRELAND?

How does linking to a wikipedia page constitute having actually done work? It's one thing to do it on your personal blog, where presumably no one is paying you to type things. It's entirely unprofessional for an employee of a company to do something like such a hack, especially without an adequate paraphrasing of anything relevant about the saint or the holiday.

I'm not interested in personally knowing Michelle. I'd be interested to see her fired. I've already seen enough of her posts to know that her imagination is quite limited and that she comes across as entirely self centered.

But back to that blog reader survey...
Had etsy sent a company message to every user encouraging them to participate in the survey then the results of the survey would be more stable, more accurate, and more meaningful. As I understand it, this is not what happened. Therefore, any statistics gleaned from this survey are relatively meaningless.

97% of the survey takers were female. The seller respondents were largely female, but not as highly skewed as the shoppers. The ladies love Etsy! One of the frequent comments people wrote in was that they wished there were more shopping content for men — and indeed more items for men made by Etsy sellers.
In spite of how flawed the data is: this is an alarming number.
So, here's the analogy:

If I own a restaurant, and for shits and giggles I'm going to call it "Snarf" (because I don't think that's a real word, and it also rhymes with... or because I enjoyed Thundercats as a tyke).
So, if I have chefs from all over the place in my kitchen and, technically, we offer just about every food dish on earth on the menu. Then my clientele should be all over the place. All races, colors, creeds, social classes and other cliches mentioned in Martin Luther King speeches should be frequenting the joint.

You know how I could fuck that up?
No, it's not the lighting. No, it's not the plates, or the silverware, or the staff uniforms. I could fuck it all up simply by only putting certain items in the deli counter, in the front of the menu, and in the display window.

If I only have lemongrass and organic fair trade sugar crystals on a stick in the front window, with a giant elaborate display of a montage image composed entirely of the vast array of legumes... you know, if I stock the deli counter with tofu and carrots, and have posters on the wall espousing the greatness of almond milk, then I'm going to end up with a customer base that is largely vegan or the slightly less crazy vegetarians (both of which are still crazy).

It doesn't matter if one of my chefs makes the best baby back ribs this side of Atlanta, if I never put that on display, then no one knows it's there.

Your staff are the drizzling shits as far as product placement and marketing are concerned. They should all be fired and replaced with people who are competent at understanding that 97% of respondents being female is unacceptable in a marketplace that professes to be the place to buy and sell ALL things handmade (whether you took that off the tagline or not).

The reason you don't have any men isn't because they don't exist, it's because you're morons.
How in the fuck does this appeal to me?
It doesn't. It's not something my girlfriend would wear either; I wouldn't buy it for her.

How in the fuck does this appeal to me?
It doesn't. It's not something my girlfriend would wear either; I wouldn't buy it for her. Moreover, as my girlfriend notes every time she sees vintage shoes: foot fungas!

How in the fuck does this appeal to me?
It doesn't. And I've really tired of seeing this girl's shitty paintings. There are so many people on etsy who paint, with better technique and better substance.

How in the fuck does this appeal to me?
It doesn't. It's not something my girlfriend would wear either; I wouldn't buy it for her. And, in her own words she said "this is retarded."

Are you shitting me?
Oh fuck, I thought this was a lady's shirt. Vintage or not, I would not be caught dead in that, it's ugly.

Am I trying to be an ironic hipster doofus?
Because I wouldn't be caught cleaning the gutters in this t-shirt.

A yarn hat?
Fuck. Oh, but it's for women, so what the hell does it matter?

So that your child may contract someone else's athlete's foot

Some sucker bought these
but what the fuck do you do with what otherwise look like colored hairballs? Do you enjoy spending time trying to figure out how to meticulously clean the dust off of them?

Women's size 5 doc martins
these are so ugly they're almost ironic. And I'm a guy, so they wouldn't fit me. Plus, they're used shoes so the possibility of foot fungus looms!

If a seventies baby blanket could be a hat
then I imagine it would look like this, and you would smile at your crazy grandmother as you inwardly considered coming to her house in the middle of the night and bending all her knitting needles in half. This could only be worn for punishment.

I have a penis and testicles, how does this appeal to me?
Really, an apple cozy? What would I need that for? Am I prone to seizures and there's a fear that I will bash my lunch sack against a wall? I have no use for this other than mockery.

no talent hack
Really, feature a real artist.

do I wear this to the tranny convention?
Or is it casual cross-dressing friday at the office? Again, I'm a guy. I wouldn't buy this for my girlfriend.

what did you guys get tired of amberalexander, so you found crap that looks just like hers?
twice in 24 hours, no less... and still, not something that appeals to me. Diversify, assholes.

I'm not into flappers.

no talent hack
seriously, there's no ART on etsy actually made by the people selling it?

more lady stuff, this time in "charteuse"
Again: penis, testicles, heterosexual, not a tranny.

Fuck, it's time for another round of drinks
this + the apple cozy + the yokoo = me the winner of front page bingo!

99% of the items featured on the etsy front page have a consumer target demographic that is female. You have completely removed men from the equation, and when you include them, just as with Michelle's idiot storque paragraphs, the examples are idiotic and insultingly cliche.

Your staff is so fucking dense and retarded that they see nothing wrong with reducing men to the cliches of ties, t-shirts, and knitted hats... oh, and cuff links, how could I possibly forget cuff links. And that's your problem.

It's called moderation.

Going East

Chromed Grind Your Gears Mug

The Farrago

cherry pencil jar

grey messenger / laptop bag

Cowhorn Hair Comb

hand dyed upcycled men's shirt

beach bliss

touch of wood pen

baltimore oriole

puzzle coaster

You know, there are items that appeal to men that also appeal to women. It's not really that hard to find them. They can easily be incorporated with things intended solely for women, and they aren't entirely cliche. Likely, I could come up with 12 items that are just art.

I don't see why etsy doesn't understand what diversity means. I really don't. I've been a professional graphic designer for years. If I looked over my portfolio, no one would be able to pinpoint my gender in a heartbeat. That's what good design does, it defies immediate classification because it's appeal is broad.

Etsy's appeal isn't broad. If you can't understand that from the results of your survey, then you should be fired. Continuing to have narrow-minded self centered people making the decisions is a horrible idea; and they're doing a horrible job.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Storque: I want my listing fees back

First off, on an aside, Seapinks sucks. Stop showing us this dull shit. Seriously, BORED.

International Women's Day? Really, Etsy?
One of us makes calendars and admits that this was googled, because, as that one said
"Women's Equality Day" is the 26th of August. I put it on the calendar every year. My sister is very active in a chapter of NOW (National Organization for Women). She was pleased to find that as the lone 'observance' in August when she got her yearly calendar.

Well, then we read the rest of the wikipedia page about International Women's Day and discovered why we never seen this on a calendar:
Started as a Socialist political event, the holiday blended in the culture of many countries, primarily Eastern Europe, Russia, and the former Soviet bloc. In many regions, the day lost its political flavour, and became simply an occasion for men to express their love for women in a way somewhat similar to a mixture of Mother's Day and St Valentine's Day. In other regions, however, the original political and human rights theme designated by the United Nations runs strong, and political and social awareness of the struggles of women worldwide are brought out and examined in a hopeful manner.
Don't misinterpret: we're not anti Commie, and we're not anti-Socialist, we're not fucking retarded "tea-partiers". But really? Of all the obscure things our etsy fees go to as features was this Storque article? Man, I can't wait for all those Storque articles about Hindu observances, and the ones about the Muslim holidays... you know, but I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for those or something.

So, basically, the "article" is actually a PARAGRAPH. And it says nothing about what "International Women's Day" actually is historically, how it came to be a holiday, who celebrates it, etc. If this was English 101, then this paragraph gets a "D".

This holiday is primarily celebrated in Eastern European countries. So, the caveat tacked on at the end is:
"From Madame Curie to Gloria Steinem, Queen Elizabeth to Angela Davis, what women have inspired you?"

All of whom are Western women. Could the references be any less socially relevant to the culture that invented this observance? Michelle couldn't spend 10 minutes googling influential lady communists?

Moreover, than the paragraph completely lacks any context or definition of what this observance is, is that it references some dopey personal tale of religion. If you can't bother to look something up to write something relevant and the only thing you have to go on is personal experience, then, well, congratulations on opening the door for a personal attack. Fuck, your feminism is that you read about girls instead of boys? That's fucking trite. Fail.

So, basically, this holiday is like the communist / eastern european version of secretary's day ONLY for women. Fuck.

So you showed us a wrist cuff

a painting of a woman in a bunch of leaves

a librarian style outfit

a women's fashion journal

a stenciled t-shirt

a plastic plaque

a painting of a nude woman

a paper mache fertility sculpture

strange Yoko Ono poster


a blue leotard (modeled on a waif with a blank expression)

balm for stretch marks

a woodcut print of the back of a woman's head

a montage drawing of 1940's starlets

a painting that shows a nipple

Michelle is kind of like a nipple, isn't she? We mean that as the British slang. Go back and look at your Liam Gallagher quotes. Except she doesn't have the talent of George Harrison.

This Storque paragraph was idiotic. The collection of items that went with it were equally idiotic. The entire thing was a demonstration of ignorance.

You want to celebrate women, their accomplishments, their feminism, the equality they've attained? Fine. But do it like an adult, not like some idiot-fuck ignorant child with no respect for context.

The Cake
Whatever you want
Night Flight
Antique Style Butterfly Necklace
12 handmade heart embellishments
vintage women digital collage sheet
felted flowers necklace
hidden stories
Industrial Revolution Brooch
Happy Flowers

You know, International Women's Day, which has never appeared on any calendar I have ever purchased in America, whether it be at Hallmark, or Barnes and Noble, or Walmart, seems to be an international holiday, celebrated abroad. Logically, wouldn't you celebrate women by showcasing things that are made by women? And more apt, made by women from countries that actually celebrate the fucking observance? Oh, shit, that was using logic.

Now, we know, because we copied and pasted things into "shop local" that apparently there aren't a lot of shops on etsy in - let's say - Turkmenistan... so we went a little crazy with Romania, and the Ukraine. Obviously, I suppose, the entire list could have been composed of things made in China. Oh, go read the wikipedia entry.

How fucking hard is it for your staff, who are paid through our listing fees, to use the god damned wikipedia and a fucking online dictionary?

My mother was a feminist. I'm a feminist. I'm not a fucking nazi, I'm not militaristic, I'm not religious. I'm just a woman, and I make things. But that shit in your article? It doesn't do anything for me as a feminist, except raise my ire at the general ignorance of the etsy staff. That paragraph was a contextually bankrupt reference to a foreign holiday written by an American with no mention of the meaning or history or context of the holiday. That was fucking ignorant.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

From the Guy

Keep it weird: a man's perspective

Hello Etsy, it's me, the one with the penis and the testicles. While it is true that I do have nipples, my girlfriend is the one who has the tits. I am male.

Now, I have conveniently pointed out, to the council, that I was left out of the fun fuckery that they had with that Storque article. I'd like to point out, as it pertains to all the women's accessories in the article: I'm male, I'm not a fucking cross-dresser. I'm 30, blonde hair, blue eyes. I work as a graphic designer. I wear a lot of blue jeans and dress shirts. I don't wear ties. The last time I wore one was for a funeral. Every time you write an article and you include some fucking run-of-the-mill silk-screened tie as the "guy" item - I fail to be impressed. In fact, I'm un-impressed. That's crap. Guys aren't just ties.

I'm not much into t-shirts either. In fact, my girlfriend is the one who wears the t-shirts in the relationship. Given my age, her age corresponds. And yes, she's a "throwback" to grunge. She has an entire wardrobe of black concert t-shirts and army green cargo pants. She also has an etsy shop. She's an illustrator, and I believe that's as much as I am allowed to say. Needless to say, she's not a connoisseur of silk-screened t-shirts. Although, we were up one weekend at three in the morning, and she was completely entranced by the Yudo commercial. Although, after realizing that it was just a screen printer, she did not buy one.

Other than t-shirts and ties, is there really anything that you feature that panders to guys? Fuck, after typing that I feel like I should be in a Seuss book. Was there a wallet somewhere? Or perhaps a belt?

Maybe I just don't understand? Am I supposed to go out and pierce my ears so I can get some of those wire-wrapped earrings that I see on the front page every day? Or maybe those dresses that look like they were designed in the fifties? I'm trying to imagine my girlfriend wearing one of those, and it's not working. That's not her style. She's a feminist. Too bad you can't pander to her. Because the fifties-style dresses sure aren't doing shit for me. But then, neither are the ladies cloth shoes. I guess one of my comments did make it into the last entry.

So, anyway, why am I rambling?
Oh, because I want the 10 minutes of my life back that I wasted reading this Storque article:

First off, no, it did not take me 10 minutes to read the "article". I would have to be severely retarded to have spent that long reading ONE paragraph. No, what took up 10 minutes of my time was reading the slew of comments regarding the purported "article". Let's "keep it real" — that was a PARAGRAPH not an article.

The only reason I read the comments was because my etsian girlfriend read some inane thread on the forums about some comment about "sexual deviance" and realized that it probably had something to do with the NSFW picture she saw scrolling across the bottom of the screen. She tried to read the thread at work, but, as it turns out, the place that she works at has filters on the computers and she got the big "this page contains banned content" message.

Anyway, she read the thread. OK, so she read like the first page. The rest of the council read the thread. And the general consensus (which was more towards the article than anything in the thread) was that clearly the entire thing was my fault. Fuck. Yeah, I took that with incredulity. Of course, we are a sarcastic bunch. So, this "my fault" thing was meant with snark.

The culprit? Fetishistic Assless Chaps. Oh, don't pretend you didn't read that one. I know you did. And that little gem? Oh, that was all me.

Personally, I blame westerns and Shawn Michaels. Google it, separately.

Anyway, the jaded one said something along the lines of "this is etsy, not the fetishistic assless chaps pantatorium." Now, we all laughed when that line was conceived. Mostly, because that's our sense of humor, collectively. We've all seen the hipster crap on the front page and all this girly shit, and the enviro-fuck crap... it's a very narrow demographic. Simply by virtue of the fact that I have a penis: 99% of what appears on the front page does not appeal to me as a consumer.

So, when suddenly there appears an article with a quasi-NSFW picture on the front page, well, apparently, it's my fault.

So, here's the fun thing: the picture is fetishistic. It's a fucking bondage dress. I'm not evangelical, but I also don't have any weird sexual hang-ups that fill me with any desire to see my girlfriend wearing bondage gear. So, oddly enough, as a guy who regularly watches "pro wrestling" (with his etsian girlfriend) this does not appeal to me (or my etsian girlfriend). Personally, I'm just not into it. But it is bondage gear, and the photo with the fencing props on the model? Well, that makes it fetishistic.

So, congratulation, etsy hipster retards: you put fetishistic bondage gear scrolling across the bottom of you front page to "keep it weird."

It's actually just fucking stupid.

Moreover, it's childish and thoughtless. No, not the fucking lame bondage dress. I really don't give a fuck about it. That shit is for people with sexual hang-ups. It's not for me or my girlfriend. What is childish and stupid is the paragraph that is supposed to tie together this collection of objects.

If Michelle spends her weekend watching the brain-eater on MSNBC, then this should be a collection of shivs, Manson portraits, bullet riddled car doors, an actual fucking mask, and probably something involving a gun or blood... oh, and the fucking brain-eater.

Hold on, let me spend 10 minutes using your site's crippled search feature:
rusty brain
brain eater
sticky paws
painted mannequin head
great pear theft
clockwork heartnut
bandit milk cup
gwendoline red x-ray...
leather kitty hat
little wooden inmate
handcuff necklace

What I really want to say, as a guy, is that this Paragraph is half-cocked. It's like a half erect penis. Because most of this shit is cutesy, girly crap. And the rest of it is just borderline offensive or tasteless. None of it is arty. I've seen pornographic art, and I spend time every week watching what used to be an "outlaw sport". This collection isn't edgy, and it isn't weird. It's just kind of sad. So, ladies, don't waste your time bickering over Michelle's half-cocked attempt to be provocative.

The bondage pic was completely inappropriate for the overall look of your site. I say this as the person who brought to the blogs-bitching-about-the-half-assed, sad, childish-behaviour-of-the-etsy-staff lexicon: fetishistic assless chaps. I also say this as a full time graphic designer.

Your target demographic evidently is not me (or men in general). Do your research first. If you think you have the chops to be provocative, then really, go all out and make a real collection of the fetishistic. Otherwise, have the tact to know when to edit. You're not Regretsy. Regretsy would actually have the balls to show you balls in an environment where that is appropriate.

I enjoy my "guy stuff", the crass, the low, the weird. But this? This isn't it. This was just fucking stupid, and stupid in a very girly way. Go find a guy, an actual guy, not some hipster douche, and he'll explain why this article is fucking retarded, especially if he's supposed to want to buy any of this crap. What on earth would I do with a "bandit skunk" plush thing?

Leave the fetishistic assless chaps to the folks at the pantatorium, where nudity is a precursor and the staff aren't a bunch of petulant wannabe hipster douches with contempt for their clientele.

Given your demographic and the childish nature of your staff: bondage does not belong on the front page. You are indeed not the fetishistic assless chaps pantatorium, you're etsy. Show me some better shit with a more coherent context. This was just fucking lame.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Oh, shit, that's right, I have a life

Funny thing is that I have a life, and a firm belief in lone-wolf style blogging. Otherwise, the co-conspirators would have been more than happy to have done the work for that week I was taking a real life vacation from my full time job.

Oh, fuck! I have a full time job, which means I have health insurance and paid vacation and sick days. Fucking A, my priorities must be all fucked up... you know, because I went on vacation.

Now, amusingly, there is a perfectly good list of front page repeats from last week or the week before — fuck, having a full time job that provides you with a paid vacation is FUCKING AWESOME! Yeah, anyway, somewhere in my email there's a list, but I'm going to skip it for the time being. Because, well, shit, I just got off vacation and my lazy ass doesn't feel like spending 20 minutes copying and pasting.

So, instead, I'm apparently just going to insult people, because really, that's what I feel like doing.

You see, when you keep showing me the same tired old shit by the same people, and I look, and I sneer, and perhaps roll my eyes, and think about what a narrow-minded insular group of jackass fucktards the etsy admins are, well, here's the thing: I've seen the fucking product.

So, it's focus group time:
It's either a painted rock or it's a pre-made ceramic item with a decal cooked onto it.
What the fuck? Seriously, etsy staff? Did you guys totally suck in whatever entry-level ceramics course you took way back when at summer art camp or what? Because, yes, I've seen the shebboDesigns ceramics on the front page repeatedly, and after a brief consultation with the council this is what the focus group has to say:
"I should hand wash this mug? Really, why, because if I throw it in the dishwasher then I will discover that the decal was either applied at such a low heat that it will flake off, or is of such low quality that it will literally fade from the bleach that comes standard in almost all non-douchebag-idiot-fuck-environmentalist ordinary old fucking cascade or electrosol or whatever the hell generic store brand dishwashing powder that normal people who don't spend $7.99 for the smallest amount of ounces of 7th generation throw in their dishwasher, you know, because they have jobs and better shit to do in this era of technology than to sit there and fucking handwash dishes.

What we're really saying is that what shebbodesigns is selling, if it isn't a painted rock, looks like mass-produced pre-glazed ceramic elements that were probably made in China, which have a decal or china paint baked onto them on a lowfire kiln setting. Because, you know, when you can buy the mugs already bisqued with a coat of glaze, then you don't refire them on a high-fire setting.

Really? There aren't like any ceramics artists on etsy? It's very important that my listing and selling fees pay your salaries so you can spend your time promoting decals that have been cooked onto mass produced mugs? Holy fuck, take a ceramics course.

Oh, and my other option is a painted rock. If I wanted a painted rock, logistically, wouldn't I find a brownie fundraiser or a church bazaar? What the fuck am I going to do with a painted rock? You know, I mean if I was bat-shit insane and lived like a fucking hoarder, then absolutely, by all means bring on the painted rocks! Or, you know, if I fucking had children, well, my children could paint me some motherfucking rocks. But really, you want to help someone sell me a fucking painted rock? Holy shit.

The next thing we'd like to offer you some focus group advice on is this Storque article
We're a varied bunch, but we all read this and collectively groaned.
First of all, what's the age cap? Do you realize, that unless you have a reputation for being that annoying fucking bat-shit insane vegan asshole who thumbs their nose at the rest of their co-workers (oh, fuck, we here all have jobs, we keep forgetting that our real world perspectives get in the way of all this fantasy-envirofuck fun) — there is no way in hell you could conceivably get away with wearing this shit anywhere?

For shits and giggles we all took turns.

birthday romper: am I 22 going on 55? Because this makes my tits look like they're in my fucking lap. I guess if I buttoned the jacket I could try to hide this monstrosity. But on what casual friday holiday could I stroll into the office with this get-up? Is it dress like a 1990's catalog hipster day? Because, I mean, really: cleavage with a romper with a jacket with black leggings with saddle shoes? Where the fuck do I work at? An ironic hipster factory? If I have to wear this to show that I'm green, well, then, fuck it. Someone get me some styrofoam boxes for the ozone layer.

Hoodie Wrap: It displays both the horror of being a hoodie, and the idiocy of being a wrap. Oh, and the sleeves are apparently 5 times too long. So, you know, I could wear this to the office and look like I was fashionably inept because the design is for some 20-something that doesn't fucking work at an office. If I strolled in wearing this, I would probably be pulled into the supervisor's office for an inquiry as to whether or not I was ill... Also, what if I'm fat? Seriously, wrap-anything looks terrible on fat people, let alone a wrap hoodie with asymmetrical placement of pocket.

strapless flannel dress:
Because nothing says "going green" like fabrics that contrast ridiculously with one another. Really flannel + strapless = WTF. Is this for when I miss winter in the middle of summer? Or because I have an ironic hipster dance to attend? Where do I wear this? And why does no one who sells clothing seem to own an iron? I can already hear my mother groaning.

supayana grey reconstructed top: First off, one of us actually works at a grocery store, and cannot imagine what the fuck the co-workers would be thinking if that person walked into work wearing a reconstructed top wherein an excess sleeve was used as a collar. The general feeling is that you would be sent home for inappropriate wardrobe. Do I have to be so impractical as an environmentalist that I have to wear clothing that would make ordinary people question my sanity? Do I recycle: sure. Do I occasionally buy things at Goodwill: sure. Is a shirt sleeve acceptable when used as a collar: no. Is the ribbed empire waist and the asymmetrical placement of pocket supped to add something to this monstrosity?

Alice's Dream: At first, like an idiot I said "lingerie?" But then I read that this was a "dress". Am I fucking Lady Gaga? To what occasion do I wear this "dress" in public? Yes, hello Grandma! Happy 77th Birthday! Awesomesauce! Thank God! I comes with a slip sewn in, you know, because really my guy friends should politely use their imaginations and creatively ponder my pubic grooming habits!

Wool SeaWeed Neck Garland Scarf Yellow:
This one was in the article just so that we could laugh at the title right? Again, if I wore this to work there would be inquiries about my sanity. The only suitable occasion we could invent for such a garment of such lengthy description (c'mon, it's both a GARLAND and a SCARF!!!): hoighty-toighty church. Because while I am an atheist, I am told that if I wore this to normal church, people would be looking at me funny. Or, I guess since it pulls apart, if I were to ever lose my "honor cord" from avant garde fashion school. This would be excellent for a back-up.

Organic Vegan Weekender:
The Savant says "osh-kosh-pagosh," and "I was so ten years too old for Osh Kosh Pagosh way back when it was in fashion, what's with all these shitty eighties color combinations? Is it because all the hipster doofuses of my generation already bought out all the good seventies crap that we have to move on to what is currently available?" Do I have to be kooky to be "green"?

sweet hat: I have long hair. Really long hair. I don't wear hats like this. I'm also not a flapper. And none of us can name a "flapper church" that we could wear this too. Other than a costume party, none of us could think of a single place to pragmatically wear such an article of clothing without presenting as some sort of hipster fucktard.

Herrinbone Harris No More:
1989 called, it wants it's bow fetish back. Seriously, herringbone and hot pink? I'm not sure even hoighty-toighty church would accept this one.

Gina Michelle Jigsaw Falling into Place: I'm being told that "my mother's McCall's patterns from the seventies called... you know, the ones you bought at my garage sale for 25¢ a pop. Anyway, they want their — holy shit this listing comes with a poem! — decade back." Again flannel? And no less "silk and flannel" — to what occasion do I wear this attire? Surely not the office, unless I want to get called in for the sanity check, again, or violating the "it must have sleeves" dress code.

Pretty Birdies Military Jacket: Only if I'm 22 and I don't know any better. Look, I recycle, but I'm too old for this crap, and this is looks like something I would be wearing to the ironic hipster fucktard equestrian something or other where there are no real horses but we talk about how terrible it is when they turn them into glue.

Eco-chic Ballet Flats in Purple: I'm not into cloth shoes, particularly the kind made out of canvas. Go kill me a cow and get me some fucking suede.

East Earrings in Bamboo:
okay, these are kind of cool, but I'm guessing I'm going to get one of those anonymous emails later about my patchouli perfume / deodorant.

As it turns out, the only thing in this article that was neither snarked or resulted in "meh" was the alice in wonderland necklace. Of course, then we clicked on it and saw that it was from Singapore. Eh, whatever. My lazy ass isn't forking that over for shipping.

It's funny, because with 1 or 2 exceptions, most of us recycle, and many of us are female, and under the age of 35. But none of this shit in this article appealed to any of us. We could all see who it was meant to appeal to, but in that we recognized that familiar stereotype, well, we all know what we think of that stereotype, and it's all negative.

We don't hate the earth, it's just that the vast majority of this shit is either crazy or completely impractical. And all of it is not our demographic.

We're tired of seeing hipster shit. Apparently we're ten years older than the rest of you and not enamored with your cause de jour, or your demographically stunted impractical items of your cause de jour. I'm an adult, an annoyingly responsible one with a job, friends, and a social life. And none of this shit works for me. And yet I recycle and craft and garden; like a normal person with a full time job.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

a special case: elinart

what a surprise to see your forest fungus on the front page today!

we remember reading this forum thread just two weeks ago:
you see "elinart" has another shop called ElinThomas, and using the ElinThomas username posted this:

I've just seen the most gross....

I've just seen the most gross shop ever. My jaw just dropped, I still can't believe it. Don't convo me about it please.

Just to say, seeing it has made me decide to leave Etsy, this place is really starting to stink! Just having my work on the same site as seedy trash makes me feel sick.

----- page 2
Well, I'm not going to call anyone out. I've closed my shop so please don't convo. Over-reaction?'s the straw that broke this camel's back. I've had enough, it's my choice, I don't expect anyone to follow suit.

-----page 9
Yes...I will be shutting my other shop, but I am working on a few custom orders at the moment so need to stay open.
So, since your shops are both open, then you were just fucking with all of us when you said you were closing up shop and leaving etsy?

Don't buy from unstable sellers like elinart a.k.a. ElinThomas